I'll Take My Bow

lost

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 20:26:40 GMT

How can I feel so lost and unwanted in a group of people that all know who I am? This question keeps running through my mind right now. It's Thanksgiving and I'm at my dad's house for dinner. The only person I'm really related to is my dad. My stepmom's family is nice, but I haven't felt so out of place in my life. This holiday is all about being together and I feel so left out. I tortured myself earlier when i stopped by my sister's house and saw my mom and my nieces and everyone else. I want to be there so badly and I can't. I hate to say it, but I think this has been one of the worst and most awkward Thankgivings that I've ever had to endure. I love this holiday, but this year it sucks.

I'm going to go and be anti-social and play some video games. =[

Writer's Block: Winter Wonderland Shopping Trips?

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:46:58 GMT

While walking in a winter wonderland can be fun in theory, it makes shopping a bit of a drag. Do you plan on doing your holiday shopping online or in-stores this season?

College the Musical and minimum wage

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 22:10:38 GMT

College the Musical was FANTASTIC!

Want to know what isn't fantastic?

This: http://hr.cch.com/news/payroll/060908a.asp

Minimum wage isn't going to go up this year. Yay for not being able to pay for gas! I love our economic system.

.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:35:33 GMT

I can't wait until school starts. =]

Interesting night

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:34:31 GMT

So, last night I went to the seawall with my friend Sammi. We were hanging out on the rocks taking video blogs of our ridiculously funny ideas. Her camera died, so I was like, "Hey, let's go get mine out of my [Mom's] car." And, in one of those slow-motion, deadly precise, unreal moments, my keys slipped out of my hand and in between the boulders. For the longest thirty seconds of my life, Sammi and I stared at each other in shock. Then, reality came sweeping back and I dropped to my belly to look down and see if my keys were visible at all. They weren't. Eventually, with the help of two police officers and some very fabulous friends, we were able to get my keys out of the rocks.

Two conversations happened in the past twenty-four hours that I truly appreciate:

After flagging down a cop car to get AAA's number (cause my card was locked in my car):

"Please don't laugh at me..."
"You dropped your keys in the seawall?"

This morning after my mom saw that I had called her six times last night:

"Why did you call me so many times last night? Did you want to go sleep at Sammi's?"
"Uhmm.. well when we were at the seawall, I misplaced your keys and then realized they were on my person the whole time.."
"Oh, okay. I should turn the volume up on my phone so I can hear it ringing when I'm asleep."

All I can say is that someone was looking out for me last night. I was VERY lucky.

=]

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:50:10 GMT

So.. this week has been fabulous so far. I've taken a lot of time off from my job and I'm hopefully going to be able to get a new job at this fabulous restaurant that I want to work at SOOOOO badly. There's a possible new somebody and I'm kinda excited about that...so we'll see how that pans out =] School is starting to stress me out though. I have a test on thursday and then I have to write two papers, do a take home test, study for two finals and on top of all of that I have a show that I have to get ready for. Wish me luck! =]

Writer's Block: Home Alone

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:36:32 GMT

What happened the first time you were left home alone as a child?

View 503 Answers

I don't remember the very first time that I was left home as a child, but I do remember one of the very first times. It was late spring and my mom had to run out to the supermarket to do the weekly shopping routine for my family. So, I decided to sit on her bed and watch t.v. While I was enjoying some cartoon it had started to rain and the storm eventually turned into one of the biggest thunderstorms I can remember. I started to cry and I ended up calling my best friend's house (because my mom didn't have a cell phone at that point) and asking her to pick me up and bring me to her house so I didn't have to be at home by myself. Sad, but true. However, I have outgrown my fear of thunderstorms. =]

Sad

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:03:38 GMT

I think that I just quit rugby. It is quite possibly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Well, not the whole quitting part...that phone call was easy. I mean the whole mental-I-still-want-to-be-a-part-of-the-team-and-play part. This sucks a lot. Shit, I'm going to miss it.

Writer's Block: I'm Ashamed of...

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:59:01 GMT

What are you ashamed of?

View 500 Answers

Besides being in a love affair with procrastination, I'm not really ashamed of anything. Whether itbe my actions, or thoughts, or grades they all play into who I am and who I am going to be. Why should I look back on any of them and think that I've f-ed up everything? In truth (although cheesy and completely cliche), I've learned from most of what I've done or been apart of. If they have been good or bad, those situations have all made an imprint on my life.

byeeeee =]

boys

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 03:44:13 GMT

"I'm kinda pretty and pretty damn smart. I like romantic things like music and art. And as you know, I have a gigantic heart. So why don't I have a boyfriend? FUCK it sucks to be me!"

Avenue Q.

Procrastination

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 20:56:15 GMT

So, instead of doing my homework and being a good student, I'm taking a break and writing on livejournal. Obviously not the smartest thing ever, since I should be working to improve my G.P.A. Oh, well.

My mom came up to visit me this weekend and brought me a TON of food. There is so much food that I don't know what to do with it all. Good thing I have a room mate to help me get rid of it, right?

I had work this weekend...not very fun and I basically don't have any money at all. I'm so broke its disgusting.

I have to get back to my homework....bye bye.

(Oh, and that was the worst entry ever....I know)

Writer's Block: Work & Self-Worth

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:36:22 GMT

Does your current occupation affect your self-worth?

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Here's the scene...folded clothes in every color imagineable for spring break in sunny Florida cover the dark brown tables that have been exactly placed around the store. Customers are waiting eagerly outside the door for the store to open. You stand inside the store sizing them up while holding a steaming cup of coffee. Five minutes until "go-time." You run into the back slip on a headset and gulp the rest of your coffee down. Walking back out into the store, you look up to see the doors open and the first customers walk in. The very first thing they do: take the shirts out of size order that you had folded to perfection just before the store opened. You grit your teeth in frustration and smile to the person screwing with your clothes. Thus begins the day in the life of a retail employee.

To say that this is extremely aggravating would be an understatement.

To say that it strengthens my self worth would be hard to imagine, but now that I think about it, it is really a lot to deal with. Putting on a smile even in your worst mood is hard to do...add a store full of cranky shoppers who (because "the customer is always right") won't get off your back about a 10% discount and you've got yourself a full on headache. Oh, and did I mention that you also have a boss who won't stop bugging you about getting another credit card for the company so that they, your boss, can get in tight with management?

Working in retail does affect my self-worth.

Not only do I know that I'll never want to work in any type of clothing store after this, it makes me stronger (while driving me completely insane at the same time...good job American Eagle.)

Writer's Block: Charmed, I'm Sure

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:46:58 GMT

What is a "charmed life"?

Submitted By busterbenson

View 500 Answers

A "charmed life?" I guess you can't really define it. There's no way to. Everyone has their own definition; who says that mine will be the one to win? In my opinion, a charmed life has nothing to do with money, or clothes, or cars, or any other material goods. That doesn't matter. As much as those things seem to help people have better social standings (which is sad beyond belief), they really don't mean anything. You Can't Take it With You is a wonderful play by George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart; it completely depicts what I have just said about life. Commodities are not really something that we will be remembered by and they certainly won't make us truly happy. My clothes will keep me warm and protect me from the weather, but they fade and wear out and eventually I'll always have to get new ones. Happiness is what is essential to have a "charmed life." Happiness is not something that should be replaced with a cold heart of someone who is only interested in buying the latest fashions. Like the patriarch of the family in the play says to Mr. Kirby (a man completely involved with his business affairs), "You can't take it with you." So, do as Grandpa Vanderhof does: live life by your own terms and don't let yourself get caught up in the trivialities that seem to "plague" us. In the end, the only thing that truly matters is your happiness. If your happy, nothing can stop you.

Spring time and happiness?

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:03:20 GMT

I know it isn't quite Spring yet, but with the new and beautiful weather we had yesterday and the day before, shouldn't things be starting to look up? I mean, what happened to the renewal and rebirth theoris that go with this up-and-coming season?

I've just been having an awful day, and i don't usually blame it on the weather, but things really suck today. I did terribly on a test that i thought i got an A on and then I had to take a midterm (which was somewhat easy), PLUS my car is not in working condition right now. I don't know what to do about my math class though...this is the second time that I thought I did fabulous on a test and it turns out that I failed because of some stupid little mistake that I was too dumb to see until after. And yes, I am one of those people who can't stand it if they got a bad grade. I'm sorrry, but it drives me nuts! I can't just sit around and blow off my school work and then pass by the skin of my teeth. That's not who I am, and (sorry to those who are) that's no who I want to be. "Slacker" is not a title that I would want or would want to pin any body else with. It's not appealing and I don't think sitting around waiting for things to happen for you is going to get you anywhere.

So to add to my troubles, I'm going to get yelled at by my eye doctor AGAIN because I had to postpone my appointment (thanks Mr. Car) AGAIN.

I'm sorry if I sound whiny, but I had to rant. At least I'm not crying.

Peace out, homie.

Parenting

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 03:36:32 GMT

I was at work today and I saw a woman tell her daughter (probably a five or six year old) to go and find her sister who had run out into the main hallway of the mall (the younger one was probably three). Then when the older daughter couldn't get her sister to come back, the mother had the five year old watch her purse so she could go and get her youngest daughter. How in the hell is one five year old child going to stop someone from taking her mother's purse? Does she have some super human power that no one else posseses? I don't think so. Or at least it didn't look that way. Not only that, who's to say that someone wouldn't have taken either child? I swear, people need to be less interested in their clothes and more interested in their children. I'm not going to lie, I want people to purchase our clothing, but not at the expense of their children. That's just not right.

Peace out. =]

Btw. It's 10:33...do you know where your children are?

I don't know what it is

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:57:41 GMT

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling really good about myself. I know that I can be myself and not have to wait around to become who I want to be. It's my time and no one else's, and it's time for me to take advantage of it. I have to say that lately, I haven't been taking advantage of what is right in front of my face and from now on I will be. I shouldn't wait around deciding my life on other people's terms. It is my life. I'm ready to take it by storm.

Amazing

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:40:32 GMT

It's amazing to me how you can find something and be a part of it and then it goes away like it was never there to begin with...but at the same time...it was so real that it had to have been there.

I'm lost.

Television

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 02:38:26 GMT

So I don't remember the last time that I made an entry in my journal. So, here I am...making an entry.

I was watching T.V. with my older cousin the other day while we were babysitting my niece. I think some show like...The Backyardigans was on and I think Wow Wow Wubbzy came on after that, but I don't exactly remember. Anyway, while we were enjoying the awesomeness of Pablo and Uniqua's adventures that they create with their imagination, we came to the realization that screen writers for childrens' shows have a lot of responsibility on their shoulders. Think about it, they sit around all day thinking up ideas to influence kids' minds and shape the way that they will react to their parents and peers. For example, did you ever notice that girls are almost always associated with the color pink and boys with the color blue? And, if they aren't paired with their respective color, they are paired with another that is equally as stereotypical. Do you ever see a boy character wearing pink? I didn't think so. The fact that "real men wear pink" is completely ridiculous. If it wasn't for cartoon shows that hypnotized us into thinking men can't wear pink, the society we live in would probably be a more stable place. Granted, the idea of pink being a girl's color probably started way before cartoons even came into the world. However, I think you get my point.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts on children's cartoons...believe me...there are more.

Much love

ugh

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 22:05:54 GMT

Some of my friends are complete assholes. They annoy me to no end, but I love them. P.s. This isn't meant to be satirical.

...Reality?

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:34:05 GMT

Is it bad that I still haven't had that "wave" of nostalgia yet? I don't feel like I've moved on at all. Granted, I don't have to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to get to school at quarter of eight. But it still feels like I haven't graduated at all. Is it supposed to feel different? Was I supposed to cry? I didn't even cry at MY own graduation....that seems slightly pathetic. I know I'll miss everyone and I know that I won't be able to see my friends as much as I used to, but does that mean I'm ready to move on into a new chapter? Just because I'm aware of something doesn't mean I have to accept it...right?

Maybe I already have.

But then again, maybe it will be like this until my first friend leaves to go to school. I don't feel like I said goodbye at graduation...It was more of a "See ya later!" The sad part is, I don't know if I'll even see those friends this summer or anymore...that is, until our reunions (which seem a lot closer now).

I almost wish that I could have stayed friends with some of the people I used to hang out with. However, if i didn't move on from them I wouldn't have the AMAZING friends that I have now. The ones who don't care if I snort and squeal when I laugh. The ones who are willing to forgive me if I accidentally blow them off because I'm upset. I guess that's what the past four years was about. Finding those people who love you for who you are. No matter what you do or what you say. They won't give up on you and you won't give up on them. A mutual relationship of trust and loyalty.

I see my mom and how she still talks to her friends from high school and I think about how many times people have said that the chances of me being friends with the people I met in high school are slim to none. I just have to say that I wish I'll turn out like my mom. Someone who beat the odds and kept her friends close and never let go.

Like Polonius said to Laertes, "Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,/ Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel" (i, iii).

Catch ya on the flip side..!

Blogging/livejournaling....same thing?

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:01:36 GMT

I've decided to question the idea of blogging/livejournaling (and please tell me your thoughts on the subject): what is the point?

I have to admit that I have, at some points, become completely addicted to the idea of writing down my thoughts for other people to see, but i havent had anyone (except three of my good friends) comment on my ideas. Don't take that the wrong way! I completely respect and appreciate what you have to say about my entries, but I think it would be cool if i got to talk to other people who I don't necessarily know. Again, don't get me wrong, I don't want to talk to any creepy-stalker-online person, but I think it would be cool to broaden my horizons and find people to share ideas with.

Back to the idea of blogging, can I use it for other purposes? Maybe....writing a story for people to critique, or poems, or critiques of my own? Can it be journalistic? Are there rules? ooo Now I have an urge to start an advice column type thing of livejournal. Sick. How would I go about doing that?

I just re-read this and if I wasn't somewhat serious I would be laughing my ass of right now.

Catch ya on the flip side..!

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:18:15 GMT

I guess I'm in one of those moods where I don't really want to talk to anyone. Because 1. I don't feel like talking to anyone and, 2. I'm not going to make an effort to talk to anyone right now. I noticed that on my livejournal I have this advertisement on the side next to the scroll bar and I started thinking about how much it annoys me. Then I started thinking about this paper I wrote on a philosophy called resistentialism. It is the philosohpy that "things" are out to get humans. By "things" I mean inanimate objects; socks, rugs, stairs, etc. Then I started thinking about how I tripped over my shoe this morning and thought to myself, "If resistentialism is something that is actually feasible, then you, Shoe, must be the ring leader." Needless to say, the shoe did not respond.

I'm reading this book Come Back to Afghanistan which is a book about a boy who lives in California, but because of his Afghan roots, goes to Afghanistan for vacation there every summer. This book (unlike some autobiographical crap), is actually very interesting and actually has conversations. It also has really opened my eyes. Until now, I would not have thought of Afghanistan to be a place of rest and relaxation, but I guess if you are from there, you might find it a place of solace.

Yeah, I had more to say, but i accidentally deleted part of the entry...so if I remember later...I'll tell you.

Bye!

today.

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 02:33:43 GMT

Today I went to school. Found out i got a 68 on my history test. Got yelled at for yearbook. Argued (kinda) with Kyle. Snapped at a bunch of my friends (sorry for that). Didn't do my engligh homework. Got confused in Spanish. Couldn't understand anything in math (that's normal). I'm tired. I want to be decided on a college and I don't want to have senioritis anymore. Sadly, I don't think that it is ever going to go away. That makes me angry. I want to be productive. I don't want to sit around and be lazy all the time like I have been doing for a while. I don't feel good about myself either. I don't feel healthy. I eat too much food. And I can't stop. I don't go to the gym like I should. I'm a waste sometimes. My room is a mess and it bothers me, but I don't have any motivation to clean it. Well, except my mom yelling at me. But that makes me want to clean it less. I don't like it when people nag. It's annoying. I did finally get a job though. Well maybe two. The job stuff is going to start a fight with my dad because he doesn't want me to work unless im doing shows and getting paid for that. Well. I'm not old enough to get most of the jobs that are out there for theatre. He doesn't seem to understand that. I guess that's his problem. Because I need a job.

I sound like a programmed robot. Bye.

what im doing v. what im supposed to be doing.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:15:16 GMT

So yes, I am supposed to be reading chapter 2 in my enormous history book and a smaller book that my teacher wrote for tomorrow. I have to read about a hundred pages. Not a lot. But I can honestly say that I don't feel like doing it. Oh. And I have to study for a quiz in English and finish reading The Stranger by a cool guy named Camus. I like the book, but I can't stand that Monsieur Maupassant...he's very...disconnected with everything. The girl tells him that she loves him and he basically says, "whatever." I don't like boys like that. Speaking of which, I watched a rerun of Everwood that I had never seen before and Bright totally cheated on Hannah and I was like WTF, mate??? I'm in love with that show. It's sick, really. But I like it. Yeah, so enough of this. I'm going to read! And I'm going to like it! Not that I don't enjoy reading, I just find the Truman Doctrine and the Marshall Plan tedious subjects. The Stranger just pisses me off. Kbye.

Blah

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 03:03:38 GMT

What happened to the days when all you needed was a pretty bandaid or a lolly pop and everything would be okay? I wish things were still that simple. Long story short, my dad and I got into another argument and now we are barely speaking to one another. I don't know what to do about it. I feel bad for my stepmom because she had to be there for it and she was trying to make things better, but neither of us were willing to budge. What's worse is that I keep having this feeling that one day he and I will fight and we'll never speak again. That would truly terrible. But then I think of the kids that don't have a relationship with their dads and I have to wonder if maybe we're more similar than we think. Maybe having a relationship with my dad thats good and the occasional fight is similar because when we do fight the pain that I feel is monstrous. Whatever, I just hope things get better.